Every New Year, people make New Year resolutions, though majority of people don’t keep it for too long or not.
Today, we have made a collection of funny and hilarious New Year resolutions for your status update on Facebook, Twitter, BBM and other social sites and applications. Enjoy the collections.
1. For my new year’s resolution I will take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking – it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs
2. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop ignoring the auto-correct.
3. For my new year’s resolution I will deactivate my twitter and facebook account for the whole year.
4. For my new year’s resolution I will Maybe take this whole zombie-“Twilight” thing a little less seriously.
5. For my new year’s resolution, I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
6. For my new year’s resolution I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them
7. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
8. For my new year’s resolution I will Take time to read.
9. For my new year’s resolution I will Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day buck naked.
10. For my new year’s resolution I will Not pass on more than one email forward each day, unless they are really good
11. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop asking Siri on my Apple iPhone 4s dumb questions
12. For my new year’s resolution I will stop saying,” Ooh, that feels nice” whenever the security guys frisk me at airports
13. For my new year’s resolution I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
14. For my new year’s resolution I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
15. For my new year’s resolution I will think of a password other than “password”
16. For my new year’s resolution I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing
17. For my new year’s resolution I will Buy myself a Micro pig
18. For my new year’s resolution I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
19. For my new year’s resolution I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses
20. For my new year’s resolution I will Chat more over phone / Internet.
21. For my new year’s resolution I will Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
22. For my new year’s resolution I will stop using Facebook as the primary communication method with my wife & kids
23. For my new year’s resolution I will stop replying to funny jokes I hear by saying LOL
24. For my new year’s resolution I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….
25. For my new year’s resolution I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
26. For my new year’s resolution I will Start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to write. Only make one blog entry and leave it published for years
27. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials.
28. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop buttering my doughnuts.
29. For my new year’s resolution I will Eat more fruit… snacks.
30. For my new year’s resolution I will Rethink the wedding budget.
31. For my new year’s resolution I will Ask my mom to explain how Facebook works.
32. For my new year’s resolution I will only pay for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable
33. For my new year’s resolution I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store
34. For my new year’s resolution I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
35. For my new year’s resolution I will cut my hair.
36. For my new year’s resolution I will Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
37. For my new year’s resolution I will Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.
38. For my new year’s resolution I will Watch more movie remakes.
39. For my new year’s resolution I will Set an attainable athletic goal, like running a 5 or 10km.
40. For my new year’s resolution I will Embrace your personal style and beauty.
41. For my new year’s resolution I will Only eat white snow.
42. For my new year’s resolution I will do less laundry and use more deodorant
43. For my new year’s resolution I will grow my hair.
44. For my new year’s resolution I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
45. For my new year’s resolution I will Lose weight by hiding it someone you’ll never find it.
46. For my new year’s resolution I will Lose weight by living on the moon.
47. For my new year’s resolution I will Talk with a robot voice all the time.
48. For my new year’s resolution I will Check my work e-mail account at least once this year.
49. For my new year’s resolution I will stop sending e-mails to my wife/husband.
50. For my new year’s resolution I will work with neglected children. (my own)
51. For my new year’s resolution I will not reply, When I hear a funny joke.
52. For my new year’s resolution I will give up masturbating.I might need a helping hand though.
53. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking
my resolutions.54. For my new year’s resolution I will stop saying ‘Secretest out!’ after I ejaculate.
55. For my new year’s resolution I will never allow myself to get drunk during parties.
56. For my new year’s resolution I would completely abstain from coffee and chocolate.
57. For my new year’s resolution I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.
58. For my new year’s resolution I will stop exercising, because it is such a waste of time.
59. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop drinking orange juice after I just brushed my teeth.
60. For my new year’s resolution I will never look at beautiful women again.
61. For my new year’s resolution I will not spend a cent on unnecessary things.
62. For my new year’s resolution I will not sit at the computer all the time. I will try to stand while I type for at least thirty minutes a day.
63. For my new year’s resolution I Don’t blame the dryer for my shirts not fitting. I’m not taking away the possibility that the dryer shrunk my shirts, but it might have more to do with the 40 pounds I put on. Just maybe.
64. For my new year’s resolution I will not gain any more weight. Losing weight is such a hard goal, so I figured why not make it easier. First maintain weight, then figure out a way to lose it.
65. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop licking frozen flag poles.
66. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop making resolutions about weight.
67. For my new year’s resolution I will quit smoking.
68. For my new year’s resolution I will never buy expensive bags again.
69. For my new year’s resolution I will be smarter than a two-year-old. Forget being smarter than a 5th grader; I just need to be smarter than my two-year-old son. As a divorced father, that kind of just figures things out as he goes, sometimes I think he knows more about things than I do. Like which side is the front of the pull-ups and which side is the back. I get it right, but I can swear he laughs at how I have to look at it for a second first. :O).
70. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop setting three alarms on my phone, just so I can turn the volume off after the first one.
71. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop drinking water instead of pop just so I can eat a sweet snack after dinner. Seriously, just drink the Pepsi and get the sugar craving over with.
72. For my new year’s resolution I will never eat a medicine just because it looks like candy.
73. For my new year’s resolution I will never again eat a jack fruit before going to a public function.
74. For my new year’s resolution I will not tell the same story at every get together.
75. For my new year’s resolution I will Get enough sleep.
76. For my new year’s resolution I will Take charge of your own financial life.
77. For my new year’s resolution I will Sing a song at the top of your lungs at least once a week.
78. For my new year’s resolution I will not congratulate any woman on their pregnancy unless I am sure she is pregnant and not fat.
79. For my new year’s resolution I will never love again.
80. For my new year’s resolution I will lose 50 pounds in one month.
81. For my new year’s resolution I will Read at least one book each month.
82. For my new year’s resolution I will Keep a notepad of awesome moments.
83. For my new year’s resolution I will make a new start on old habits.
84. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop repeating myself.
85. For my new year’s resolution I will Read something this year other than the comics.
86. For my new year’s resolution I will Stop leaving my dirty gym socks.
87. For my new year’s resolution I will Read those books I bought 5 years ago.
88. For my new year’s resolution I will Quit making those SAME excuses.
89. For my new year’s resolution I will Be more decisive.
90. For my new year’s resolution I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on facebook.
91. For my new year’s resolution I will Eat, drink, learn or try something new.
92. For my new year’s resolution I will exercise daily and never will I eat junk food again.
93. For my new year’s resolution I will Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
94. For my new year’s resolution I will do not make new year’s resolutions. The only thing I do in excess is
be awesome, I’m not going to stop that in 2013.95. For my new year’s resolution I will not make any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
96. For my new year’s resolution I will Get dressed before noon…or at the very least, before the video conferencing call with my boss.
97. For my new year’s resolution I will Not talk on my cell phone while in the bathroom doing.
98. For my new year’s resolution I will Try and drive at or under the speed limit.
99. For my new year’s resolution I will Keep my opinions to myself.
100. For my new year’s resolution I will Get two friends to START smoking.
101. For my new year’s resolution I will Wear something.
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